A Generic Reverse 'Before-and-After' One
The title couldn't be more straightforward, I feel. I'm absolutely convinced that you've seen this 39853732 times before, and I don't even want to pretend you *might* read something new if you keep up with this…which begs the question as to why I'm doing this at all, right? To which the simple answer is: I want to. It's not about uniqueness or anything of the sort - it's just a story I want to share because, well, it's happy (although I'm probably not helping myself share the good vibes by discouraging you from reading), and in as much as we've heard versions of it before, this one's personal.
Anyway. This story starts decades ago, but those would be too many details that would dilute the essence of what I really want to say today, so let it suffice that you appreciate that I'm one of those people who struggled to lose weight forever. It really was years till something finally clicked into place, and in the 2015/16 period in particular, I got me some 'results'. I say it as though it's a mystery as to what changed, and it definitely felt that way then, but I do actually know what it was: I became an incredibly mindful…and restrictive eater. (I'd been working out regularly and intensely for years, so that wasn't the factor). In my opinion, that was the best I've ever looked. BUT. (You knew this was coming, yes?)
There was quite a bit going on behind the scenes, and taking all of that into consideration, I can quite easily say that being in those shoes isn't something I'd wish upon anyone. Which sounds a little dramatic, and granted, it wasn't that bad, but…I'd rather be here with an extra 3-4 kg and photos I don't necessarily like, than there, where almost every angle was a good one, but…
1. I'm such a restrictive eater that not only will I not eat at many places, but I will absolutely freak out if I'm ever forced to eat something I've deemed is 'not healthy' or even just too calorific.
Which included milk -.- (so let's not even talk about toast and chai and sugar in any way)
With almost no gratitude or appreciation for what I was blessed with
Where everything was broken into macros and how much protein it contained
Where 'freak out', was just so much guilt and anxiety and fear, you'd think I was having a perpetual MI
2. I'm always afraid that I'll lose what I've worked for, if I cheat on my diet, and that with that, I'll regress in any other milestones I may have achieved since. #whatisselfesteem #whatisselfassurance
3. I'm shedding hair at rates and in volumes that have me looking up wig options, which helps stop the tears.
4. Mentally (and this is independent of just how I looked, by the way) I'm not in the best headspace.
5. I do not know what confidence is. It's in hindsight that I decided those were my better pictures, so clearly, it's not that I was even enjoying that.
6. I don't even feel 'qualified' to talk about diet and exercise because I feel like I have no 'right' to. This was worse earlier, and that's a whole different story, but if I've gotten to my 'leanest, ever' and I still feel like I'm a fraud…eh. Problems.
7. Every workout has to be a 5/5 or it doesn't count.
I'm not going to insult you by going back to the list and stating exactly how each of those things have changed (might do a detailed post on the relationship with food thing though), but that they have, and gone towards the other end of the spectrum, is what I'd like to celebrate.
The one added thing I'll throw in though, and that was the point with this piece anyway: four years down the line, I don't look all that different! I'd actually thought I'd look 'unhealthier' now, and that'd have made for better drama (because that's how these posts go, right?) but it's genuinely nice to think that despite all that 'cheating' and all the kilos gained, I'm…alright.
Not that I'd have cared, honestly - the headspace and ability to breathe easier without being anxious all the damn time are so much more valuable than good pictures! At this point, you might be wondering what 'action points' or take home message I'm ultimately driving towards here, and I confess, I asked myself that, too. I mean, to a certain extent, I'm propagating the message of not taking things too seriously, but that's not quite it. I know that part of what I did was just slack, rather than actively let go, so it doesn't feel right to use this anecdote to back up that proposition…what this actually was, I think it's fair to say, is me giving y'all a little behind-the-scenes, rather than adding anything you could use in your day to day. Actually, scratch that. Here's something you might remember: A picture may be worth a thousand words, but that still doesn't mean you've got the story. [cue: micdrop] Okay, we're done now. As always, thank you for reading! And I'd love to hear any thoughts or comments or similar stories (or not) you have to share!