Don't Compete (Even With Yourself!)

Initially I was inclined to start this article by saying 'I know this title sounds like clickbait, but I'm actually dead serious' - but of late I've realized that I might have been overestimating how much anyone reads into these things - and as a result I now have no good opener.

Though wait, that's not true. I can still continue - I could just pick up on what I would have said as I attempted to convince you that I wasn't just saying heretic things for the sake of sounding 'different.' Which means…let's start at how/why this idea came up.

There were actually a multitude of reasons / contributory factors - the chances of you seeing a conversation we may have had at some point in the past in this (admittedly short) list are pretty high, actually:

1. My ongoing 'interest' in all things Zen - and specifically, the whole notion of 'live in the moment'. I don't even know how to explain this without launching into a long dissertation on the ideologies of Buddhism (if I ever write an article on that, be it know that this is the moment that inspired me to do it) but…yeah. The ideas this way of life proposes are things that have always appealed to me, and they just make so much sense! This way of life is something I want to imbibe in myself - even though I don't think about or work at it as hard as I should, I've realized - and so I think that I'm always low-key on the lookout for how any experience 'fits' with this.

2. I was thinking about how I miss the girl I used to be. At least with regard to things like the way she'd lock down and focus and just write for hours and hours on end, or mentally imagine what to write next, or set aside the time to plan and flesh out things, and stuff like how she used to eat so clean and so mindfully. I think you'd find it in many places in my journal (in the event you somehow get hold of one of them, and then find the patience to sift through a lot of nonsense) - me expressing envy of my younger self's focus.

3. In recent times I've had a lot of moments where I've found myself saying things like 'chill out, you'll cross that bridge when you get there', and 'the here and now are really all that exist.' I don't really remember the specific contexts, but in general, these incidences have helped create a general vibe where I feel like the universe is pointing me towards this message, telling me to dig in deeper and explore it further.

4. Another conversation I had with someone about the influence of our past experiences on who we are today (yes, hello :P). At one point I found myself using this analogy of how everything we are can be likened to a bag of color. I'll explain what that is about at a point - and yes, it's sort of related to #3 above, but this gets a separate mention because this way I can introduce my paintbag metaphor out of the blue (ha, haha).

So, it's just occurred to me that none of the above have helped provide any clear indication as to where I'm going or how any of this ties in with my Big Idea, but you know how sometimes you type out a long text to someone and then they say something that makes your text feel moot but you send your message anyway? Same thing here - though I hand-wrote this first, so if I hadn't spent eleventy million months getting to posting it, I would have remembered to not type…alas.

Besides, it has been communicated to me that that sometimes it's interesting for you (the reader) to read the things I share about myself…though I think I actually do too much of it and need to learn to get over myself.

Anyway.

I should just get to what I've been meaning to 'sell'. We've all heard this thing about not comparing ourselves to each other, right? (Or rather, we've heard of how we shouldn't compare ourselves to others if we don't want to be sad). It makes sense - not only because you'll always find someone better than you in whatever category you're comparing in, but also because comparisons just wouldn't be valid (and so they're meaningless). It makes as much sense as comparing a fish and a butterfly on account of who can run faster.

There's that clause (the don't compare to others one, I mean), and there's a bit about how 'just compare who you are today with who you were yesterday and see how far you've come' - which, alright, makes sense. Use your own accomplishments as milestones to track your progress and see that you're getting better…I can't really fault that logic and for some things/in some respects, you really have no alternative to being concerned with your own affairs…but.

You knew that 'but' was coming.

Note how I am not even using a question mark in there.

Heck, you can even finish that sentence - I think it's only valid for very few aspects. Mostly though, I'm going to try and make a case for why I don't think one should compete even with their past selves.

It'll all trickle down to how we're always changing. Always growing (except in the vertical dimension, of course… and I stopped much before most of y'all)

And just the way you can't compare yourself to person B because you're vastly different, I feel the same argument applies to our younger and older selves, particularly when we're trying to determine our 'progress' on abstract parameters - but I'll explain this a bit better in just a moment. I just want to emphasize on something for a second time before we go further - this does not apply to tangible things like how many kilos you could deadlift or how fast you run a mile (if you use the American system that is - I don't - but I don't run, either - it just sounds right because that's how we've been socialized). This refers to those qualitative things that you can seek proxies for, but, overall, are still pretty amorphous.

Like discipline. Or willpower. (Same difference?).

It's personal-story-to-illustrate-my-point time.

Once upon a time, I exercised discipline (and incidentally, my body - which is what we're going with to explain my sort-of hypotension) quite a lot…or so you could say. I have loved a good cup of masala chai for quite a while, but I didn't always indulge. In fact, regularly having a cuppa is a recent development if you consider how long the want has been there. It was, however, (I'd argue it still is, by the way), a source of extra calories that I could do without, so for quite some time, I would say 'no, thank you' to an offering…and you know, be fine.

These days though, I haven't been inclined to not have it (read: I'm starting to imbibe how round is a shape)…and I think it's safe to say that I'm skirting the edges of the dependency territory.

I won't even lie, it would be quite hard to break the habit and get used to a chai-less life and I'd be sad for a while, but if push came to shove, I know I can break away. (I also know this is what people with addictions say, but challenge me and we can find out - though your challenge has to be more than 'do it just to prove you can', because there's nothing in it for me. I don't actually care about proving myself to you just for your stamp of approval).

The point is, I really like my tea, and if you used tea as a proxy for control, compared to before, I've deteriorated and am no longer as 'good' of a person as I once was. But then, on the other hand, there was a time my sleeping habits had me write things like 'I'm proud of me, I got up early…I was up by nine', which is quite a contrast to how I was once seeing someone off to the airport at 1 AM and Mum was all, 'go to sleep…isn't it almost time for you to wake up?'

Technically, I'm still the same person…but I'm not.

You can argue that this isn't valid since I'm not trying as hard to lose weight and I should be holistic and we grow up, but that's just it, don't you see? We're always changing - and within those confines of context, you can only do the best you can.

In that moment.

You cannot compare it to what was before.

This makes me think of two things:

A. This is kind of why I'm hardly convinced when people say 'because someone has done ABC before, it means you can trust them to do XYZ'. No offense to that 'someone', but I don't think that just because you had the necessary mindset for ABC, it's a guarantee that you'll nail XYZ. That person is just someone who managed to do ABC - and that is it. All it tells me about them is that there was a time when they had enough of the relevant skill/mentality it took, and that means they're more likely to have the skill to do this second thing - but not that they're definitely the most qualified person on the basis of the first thing.

B. My analogy!

I haven't forgotten about it - and now, it actually feels like it fits in and isn't so random after all.

I think people can be likened to a big bag of (liquid) paint, where each experience, each moment ever lived adds its own drop(s) and shade of color. Some experiences are more significant, so a small thing that happens may add, say, 1ml of pain to that bag, but the big one will add 1L. And so initially, in the aftermath of some big event, someone may predominantly be colored from the shade of said event - at that point in time, they might be defined mostly by that one main experience. Thereafter, however, with the passage of time, more colors are added to that mix and that one liter becomes diluted.

And in the same way that colors change when they mix, that's the case with past events and who we are - yet that doesn't change the individual events when considered in isolation. What I mean is, if Big Event added one liter of shade 34737 of red, initially, we will mostly be shade R34737. Over time though, as other things are added in, we'll start to resemble a shade 30422 of orange. That doesn't mean though that Big Event wasn't shade R34737. If you think of that one factor/event/experience on its own, it will always be one liter of R34737, but five years down the line, we could be O30422, and neither of those facts are in contradiction of one another.

Please tell me you understand that.

Every moment we've ever lived, in some way or the other, has had its influence in bringing us to where we are in this moment and in making us think a certain way. So, everything changes us - and I don't believe there's an absolute end or ideal actualization set point that we are destined for…it's just a constant flux that's always going to go on, for as long as we live.

Do you see now why the Buddhism thing is related? (Did you even remember that I'd mentioned it?).

I won't do a dramatic buildup here before I explain myself further - ultimately, I am a huge fan of this idea of living in the moment. It all boils down to how, when you're present in just that moment, neither the past nor the future bear much weight.

I don't think anyone will bring up the irrational counterarguments of 'you need to use your past experience to decide on who to trust/how to deal with people', but just in case, you know, I'm not saying that we should just wave goodbye to our memories.

Again, this is all just related to your more…spiritual existence? And this is also why I'd say that no one event can shape you absolutely and in just one way. Time changes everything - and because we're always in this flux, it makes no sense to compare one part of who you were before to who you are now - and trying to make a holistic comparison is also pointless because you're too vastly different then.

Hence my whole 'don't compete…even with yourself'.

Makes sense, or are you thinking you want to get in touch with my drug dealer because their stuff is a bit too good?

I'd like to know what you think, as always.

And thank you for reading!