Mind Your $%^$#! Language!

So.

If you're here reading this, either you

a. Thought to yourself that you'd give me a listen before hitting me up with studies on how people who cuss out loud are actually more honest, or something like that.

b. Decided to assess how old-fashioned I am (the answer is 'very'. Except when it comes to using an app for studying…seriously, use Anki. It's awesome.)

c. Are giving me the benefit of doubt because you know that usually I try to talk sense (key word: try?)

d. Aren't judgmental and thought nothing of this title and are just reading because it's been a while and you missed me

e. Okay, this is getting too long - but either way, you're here, and I thank you for that. That's the most important thing.

And now that I have established that I do indeed deserve a gold medal for 'waffling about before getting to the point' (although I am genuinely thankful. I don't know what common courtesies for appearances sake are, on most days, like today), let's get to the point.

Which is, words are important.

I mean…yes, of course. That's what you'd expect me to say anyway, but I don’t mean it in the sense of 'I like writing'; I mean it in the other sense, the kind you've probably actually heard about in any self-help book.

In fact, I'll freely admit that this is not a theory/proposition that I developed de novo; it's a concept that was introduced to me relatively early in life by Sean Covey in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers. In fact, if you were to read the book or have already read it (I imagine Highly Effective Adults book also has the same message), you could stop reading this…but please don't? I have memes?

See?

(I never said anything about using memes that were relevant….)

Okay, enough. Let's get serious.

The underlying idea is simple: the words we use have subtle connotations, and if we're not careful, over time, we internalize these connotations as absolute facts.

That sounds weird and complicated, actually, but hopefully this example will clarify what I mean. (Again, I am compelled to clarify that this isn't an example I came up with - it's the first one Sean used - but it is pretty on point in my opinion, so it'll do).

Consider the difference between 'have' and 'choose' in the sentence 'I ___ to do this.'

Yes.

Le gasp.

It's quite a dramatic difference, isn't it?

With 'choose', there are a lot of implicit connotations in terms of making you feel like you're in control, that your actions are deliberate, and that ultimately you are responsible. With 'have', it's as though you have no say in the matter, and the subsequent implications are pretty massive, if you think deeper: it suggests that whatever you're doing, it's out of compulsion, and that you are reacting to stimuli/events and just getting through the motions.

I'm not even being my ridiculously overly-dramatic self with this, by the way. It really is that big of a deal!

If you're not convinced try this for a week, or so: be mindful of your language. For the first couple of days, monitor how often you say I 'have' to do ABCD, and then, each time, or later on, rethink before speaking and say 'I choose to…'

You can argue that if it's something like…I don't know, buying milk, it's absolutely ridiculous - that at the end of the day the milk must be purchased, and so it doesn't make a difference, but save your breath because that's the exact counter-argument I'd then make: Exactly! So what do you have to lose?

You've heard of the reciprocal relationship between mood and body language, right? The idea that what you think/feel 'leaks out' through your body language, and likewise, positioning your body in a certain way or making a 'positive' gesture can 'fool' your mind into thinking that things are well. (If not, well, now you know the basis behind power posing).

I believe it's similar with language. Sometimes, when you phrase ideas in a certain way, you come to realize that you're actually more responsible than you initially thought. If you replace a suggestive-of-no-control word with one that's quite the opposite, you just mentally feel better.

This applies to the have/choose thing, of course, but I think another example is due here just to make things clearer.

Think about revision for exams (or think back to when you had exams, because as it turns out, people actually graduate and get out of school at a point in life! More le gasp). What do you normally say?

'I have to trudge through/brace myself and get through my <insert name of nightmare-inducing subject> book', or something along those lines?

Geez, Aditi, that's just a way of expressing oneself.

But is that all, really?

I feel like using that terminology indirectly reinforces the message that the subject is difficult, that it will be hard to read, that you are not interested, and that it's a punishment.

Now, I'm not saying that cramming Biochemistry flow charts is particularly appealing to me, but using that language is plain demoralizing. It's adding salt to the wounds, flicking oil in the flames…you get the gist. And it helps nobody.

What if instead you were to change the narrative to 'I want to review <insert nightmare-inducing-subject>'?

It doesn't change that you'll still interact with that flowchart, does it? The wording doesn't even make Biochemistry sound good, but at least it doesn't sound dreadful - and that's basically what I'm getting at.

This is about how you're primed to approach something.

If you've been telling yourself that what you're coming to is undesirable, well, you'll suffer through the process. I promise you that. (Of course, if you enjoy feeling that way, by all means, go ahead - but just let me throw in another word of caution here in that case).

These things, they add up.

If you tell yourself that the things you do a struggle, that every action you take is against your will and that you're constantly living in a war zone, eventually that's exactly what your whole life is going to feel like. Which, again, you're entitled to do - different strokes for different folks - but I'm just not a fan.

So, you know, it's a little head's up.

Or, as someone with less time to spare put it:

I do believe there is truth to this, but either way, like I said earlier, what do you have to lose?

The list of examples would actually never end, by the way.

'ABC makes me mad' vs 'I respond with anger when ABC' are so different, yo!

As are 'I am sad' vs 'I feel sad', and 'This is a catastrophe' vs 'I don't approve of this'…oh, these remind me of another tangent I wanted to explore.

Feelings. (Of course we must talk about feelings! Haha)

Language ties in here, too.

When you say 'this is horrible', that's a declaration in absolute terms, like it's an irrefutable truth. But let's be frank - there are very few things that are absolute like that (remember my most important article and how I kept going on about it? It shows up everywhere!). What you actually mean is that there is a thing that you've got distaste for.

(Don't try to play Devil's advocate here and argue with examples like genocide, by the way - this is about basic day-to-day life and the things that pop up all the time)

In the first scenario ('this is horrible'), you're kind of already closing your mind off to any differing perspective. In the latter, you're showing awareness that this is an opinion you have, but that you're aware and accept that there can be other interpretations of the same thing too.

Again, I've realized that I've given yet another example driving home the same point, but…well, yes. That's what it was about. Otherwise, I don't really care how 'colorful' your language may be otherwise. Do you, with whatever 'intention', I'm way too self-centred to be bothered about it.

Semi-related to this whole article and the idea I'm presenting, by the way- now you know why I sometimes sound like I'm being a pompous and self-righteous brat! Or, you know, like I'm seriously concerned with my 'image'. It's really not that - I have no qualms about stepping on people's toes on certain issues, nor do I have the energy to try to get people to see me a certain way; I'm just obsessive about the underlying idea that's being communicated.

I'm only saying this because the other day I expressed my distaste for something (I can't quite remember what it was, but I think it was related to surgery), and someone was all, 'so you hate <it>', and I was quick to disagree and say that I didn't hate it, that that was too powerful.

That earned me a 'you're trying to be politically correct' or something like that, and then I got into trying to explain all the things I've just said about implicit meaning and connotation….so I just figure that this is a cool place to share this theory I have about myself.

And now we're actually done.

Once again, thanks for reading!

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this :)