The Most Underrated Component of Confidence

So, because my MO thus far has been to start of each post with some sort of background story about how I got to my big idea or how it fits in with some greater idea, you're not wrong to expect any context, but...I have none this time.

It's a consequence of two things really: one, I don't think the background story adds enough to justify straining my irritated tendons (remember I write these things out way before I type and post them!) and; two, this idea doesn't fit in or relate to just one great parent concept. I've actually got two vastly different things that I can relate this to… but now I'm getting ahead of myself.

I haven't yet even told you what I think this underrated cornerstone is (by the way, I'm not sure it's 'correct' of me to call it a cornerstone at all - I'm not sure I've seen it touted at all, let alone being integral…): absolute honesty.

First let's talk about what exactly I mean by absolute honesty. It's actually kind of obvious - being truthful and doing so entirely - and I don't mean this with people, but rather, yourself.

Oh. Em. Gee.

What even?

Well, yeah. I wasn't about to preach that you become like that dude who can say nothing but the truth (Liar, Liar, was it? And no, I haven't actually watched the movie, so even if you message me about your favorite scene - assuming you remember you'd thought of it by the time you get to the end - I will have no comment). That just isn't realistic or practical.

Of course, I'm not advocating for malicious deception - it's just that with the way we've been conditioned as a society, white lies are kind of indispensable. And you do have to be mindful of people's feelings and deliver messages with tact, so no, this isn't a social situation commentary. (Along those lines, for future reference, please don't think of me as an appropriate reference for any suggestions on how to navigate a social situation)

Well then, Aditi, this makes very little sense. We always know what we're thinking, so don't we have no other choice than to be honest with ourselves?

I hear you.

Seriously. I relate to this way too much.

And really, there's no dispute that you always know what you're thinking, but remember how I'm so keen on defining 'absolute honesty'? It's because I've come to believe that the critical component of this ideology is acknowledging uncomfortable truths. And yes, again, this pertains to those uncomfortable, unpleasant and unsavory ideas we have sometimes. Happy stuff is good to go, yo!

What does that, in turn, mean?

That can actually be a whole bunch of things - it depends on the individual. For me, absolutely acknowledging includes actually writing down what I think/thought, without mincing my words.

I wish I could italicize every single word in there: I feel like it's all important.

I'm just going to use writing it out as an example, by the way, but that's because that's my thing and I don't know how other people feel like they're fully expressing themselves - but if drawing / dancing / singing is your means, then read this with that in mind. I do feel like this can apply across the board.

The actually writing it out bit is straightforward for me: it isn't enough to have had a thought. In the same spirit of 'pics or it didn't happen', for me, it's when I've written out the words rather than just thought about them that I feel like I am being true and admitting whatever it is that makes me uncomfortable. It's like setting it in stone, in a way. And that's important, because when I leave something as just a thought, I know it's likely to get distorted with time - and I am the type of person who would then look at the revised version and not be able to tell how much of the original has remained.

As silly as this sounds, writing is like an insurance policy against myself.

The second clause in that definition, 'without mincing my words,' is also important. But maybe that's just because I know that I can confuse my future self by phrasing things in a certain way - then later I can be all 'see, it wasn't so bad!' - although at the back of my head I would know what I did so it doesn't help too much. It's just, not having to read your own writing of something ugly that you've thought is a small mercy.

What I mean is... Okay, example time.

Let's say that I feel like I am an irritatingly clingy person.

That's not a very nice thought, right? So I have the option of not even writing it down (but then, what's the point of a journal?!)

Option B is to write it down, but to temper my words a bit, and instead of acknowledging a deep seated insecurity of how I feel unworthy and am therefore dependent on others' affection, I could write something like 'sometimes I find myself thinking about what others are doing, and that bothers me. Ideally I shouldn't, right...'

That is incredibly lame, I'm sorry - but I'm just making the point that it's possible to write what is going on, but in a much kinder way.

With me, this would mean that after a year, when memories of that situation have faded somewhat, I would read the lame sentence, and not have a clear idea of exactly where my head was at. I will know that I tempered my words and so I'll be aware that that I'm being a bit deceptive, but I won't be able to recall the exact depth of my feeling.

And in that case, all I'll have to go by will be on my own words, which aren't that unflattering.

That's what I mean with the whole 'not having to read your own writing of something ugly you've thought is a small mercy'.

I realize actually that that's still a terrible example because it doesn't properly convey what I'm trying to say, but I typed it all and I don't want to delete it, so instead I'll better explain what I meant by example number two: If I wrote that I thought person ABC was horrible, and then later found out that they'd had XYZ going on in their lives, I'd feel so guilty!

Spoiler alert though, I'm way too self-centred to write all about you in my journal - it'll only be limited to how I feel about something - and this is a lesson I learned through my own past experiences, actually (read here if you want!)

I feel like I've matured now, somewhat - if I were/I'm being that wrong, I should own it and admit it and not be afraid to be confronted by it - so this isn't much of a factor, but I wanted to put it out anyway. Also, yes, that's another confession that I hadn't realised how much of a coward I was - if that's the right word. It's only since I've gone all in with the being honest thing that I realised how bad I really was.

Sorry I might have gone on a bit of a tangent there. We were talking about what absolute honesty meant, and just to reiterate, in case I lost you down one of my many rabbit holes - it's about putting those unpleasant truths into a more tangible-than-just-thoughts form, and telling it like it is.

So the next logical question that follows is, 'why does that matter?'

(and no, the answer isn't a direct 'it helps you build confidence') .

*Takes a deep breath.

There's actually a lot of reasons.

Like, you take a deep breath too, and…I don't know, blink for half a minute, or. And I…shall try to be concise.

1. It helps you trust yourself. Yes I know how that sounds pathetic, but for real. I feel like when you know that with yourself your approach is a no-holds-barred one, you just become more confident in your own thoughts and convictions. I'm really struggling to make this sound comprehensible - and I believe I'll fail, but let's try with another example: say that you become the type who will admit to things being really bad, if they are. Then say that something happens which could potentially be viewed as catastrophic by others, but you're not that moved. When you know that you are in tune with your own reactions and feelings, in this situation, you're less likely to question if you're in denial. Makes sense? I think that's nice. I think there's value in being able to trust your own thoughts and feelings!

2. You get a more accurate idea of your growth and progress.

I won't even try to give a confused explanation - let's jump to an example, shall we?

Let's say your starting point is 1.1 but because you're sketchy about your emotional behavior, though, you don't know that you're at 1.1 Instead, you just know that you're in the low one-point-somethings. Now, emotional growth is something that happens in small increments, in my opinion, so any leap you make will be like a 0.2 or so. Now, if you don't know exactly where you are, it's hard to appreciate a transition from 1.1 to 1.3 - you'd still be in the low one point somethings - and it can be easy to feel that you've stagnated.

When you lock down on the details, though, you're able to celebrate the little achievements - and that's cool, yo! More than that, though, I feel like this makes you aware of how things change gradually hyphen so it becomes easier to trust that something good is in the works even when you don't see it outright.

3. Absolute honesty is an overlooked step on the path to self-acceptance. This sounds a lot like #1, but these are distinct enough in my head. Though, yes, they do go hand in hand. This is straightforward - you can't really accept yourself fully if you're not too sure about what it is that you're accepting.

When it becomes clearly delineated, though, it becomes easier to pick out exactly what you do or do not condone, and from there you know what to work on…and yes, of course we'll use an example.

I might find that I react very emotionally to a bunch of things - and I might come to this realization because I'm feeling resentful about one thing in particular. When I spell it out, I can then decide that I'm actually okay with being an emotional fool, except when the emotion is 'resentment'.

That is where I draw a line, and decide that I do not want to be that kind of person. But if I'm being excessively cheerful, I'm okay with that.

4. This is a really good way of learning that it is perfectly okay to be horribly wrong! When you document the ugly truth and then revisit it, you find that the worst of it is that you cringe - or you know, regret what you did greatly - but that the world hasn't ended!

Of course you know that this is a thing even in theory, but when you go through the motions a couple of times, it really cements that awareness in. It makes it that much easier to be at ease with being wrong. Disclaimer here though: the way we've been socially conditioned, unfortunately, and makes it such that if you admit to your shortcomings and backtrack on your declarations easily, it's taken to be a sign of insincerity. But there is no helping that. With yourself, though, in the confines/privacy of your own mind, it's worth it.

5. World Peace.

Okay, no, I'm kidding. I just put that in there because I started to feel like I'm over selling this thought and so…okay, I don't even know how that works. I can't justify that (and so the pursuit for a solution to global conflict continues…) but since we're here, I might as well go ahead and insert another disclaimer of sorts, right? Or more like, issue a notice on a pitfall to watch for, related to the whole absolute honesty is good idea: There is a risk of becoming tactless if you take it too far.

Nothing too surprising, but I'll spell it out anyway.

The other day, someone confronted me about something. They expressed how they were trying to pick the words carefully, and I was all, 'dude, just say it.'

They did.

And it didn't even feel like some big bad attack, by the way - the 'magnitude' of it didn't even register as very big, and also, it was 100% true…but the point is, afterwards, we had a conversation about how I didn't think they needed to walk on eggshells.

I ruminate on stuff, so as I thought about this, I processed this by thinking about how this meant that if I had to say to someone what was said to me, there's a chance I would bulldoze right through.

On first thought, anyway. On second thought, I don't actually know that though. Sure, it is a very real possibility, but I have had people tell me that I can be direct and not worry about hurting their feelings (also, I'm the queen of beating around the bush! In case this article and all others didn't already alert you to that fact) - so you know, I guess that says I don't just go about giving offence. Not that it matters. This was just a little by the way thing that I wanted to mention.

I know I'm kind of done.

Long story cut incredibly short, I think there's a lot of value in being brutally honest with yourself, and confronting all the things you cringe to admit that you've thought.

Haha.

But wait.

I would really like to hear your thoughts on this!

I say that all the time, and it's always true - but here, today, there's also how I genuinely don't know if I'm the only one who's had an issue with self-deception. I do suspect that's the case, or, anyhow, that I’m part of a minority - and therefore this is more relevant personally than in general - but I'd like to know for sure.

How much sense did this make?

Did it resonate at all, or was your inner monologue more of a 'good for her, but this is all so meaningless to me'?

Do tell. (And don't worry about hurting my feelings! :P)

Aaand thank you for reading!