Apologies: They May Mean Nothing, but Without Them Nothing Remains

I don't have too much of a rambling intro this time around. Le gasp. In fact, it's going to sound formal and quite unlike my usual 'seems like she's just verbal diarrheaing every single thought that comes to her mind across her keyboard' type of narrative - and that's because this is something that I wrote a while back, when I was hoping to submit to TC (thoughtcatalog). In fact, I think I did, and, as is mostly the case, it got rejected.

But anyway.

It's show time!

It's been preached since the beginning of time that, in order to discern one's true intentions, we should consider their actions over their words. Therefore, if they say they're fine but are snapping at everyone and balancing tears, they're not actually fine. If they say they're interested in such-and-such project but never show up for a single meeting, they're not actually interested. And if they say sorry but continue to treat us no better - you got it…they're not actually remorseful.

In fact, it has been hammered into us that ‘sorry' is the equivalent of taping a band-aid over a bullet hole - it fixes nothing, and therefore doesn't matter…only it does. (Of course it does - that's what the title of the article told you is my stand!)

Reading between the lines is an art

Simply put, saying sorry may not count for anything if there is no follow-through action or behavior that speaks actual remorse, but without it, I don't think there can be satisfactory healing. It's simple to understand why, too: an apology lays out the tone to everything that is to follow. It is the canvas on which any attempts at healing are painted, where a genuine apology equals to (almost) clean paper, while anything otherwise gives you a platform so marred by an explosion of colors that it's hard to put anything else on there.

Imagine this with me: someone hurts you. A love cheats on you, or hits you, or a friend says something utterly unforgiveable - whatever it is that pushes all your buttons is basically done and you can't just 'get over' it. At the same time though, because people don't generally get up and leave the country, you still have to deal with this person, so the relationship doesn't end completely.

Yes?

Now imagine scenario one: that they apologize and say 'I'm sorry I did that.', and then proceed to regularly check in with you/take you to places/buy you a little 'sorry' gift/give you the password to their phone. It's…nice, isn't it? These gestures, in context of what you'd say was a 'definitely heartfelt' apology, all align and you're already more receptive to these genuine gestures and attempts at reconciliation. Every gesture they make hits you in that warm and fuzzy spot and you appreciate everything they're doing to follow through with their promise.

Now say that they make a little misstep, that they forget to call you like they said they would, for instance. How do you feel? I'm willing to bet it's 'forgiving'. It's not even something you would have given credence to earlier when your relationship was 'solid', but now in this shaky land it's an issue, and it's on you to decide what weight to lend it. Here lies the power of that apology - you might frown a little, but it soon slips your mind and overall these attempts at healing and repair aren't hindered.

Contrast that with scenario two: an apology that might as well not have come. Not once do they actually say the words 'I'm sorry', or if they do, it's in a very backhanded way that makes you feel they're only doing this because they feel obliged to. 'Sorry that happened, but…' or 'Sorry, I regret I did that, but now let's look forward and I promise I will do ABC' also have the magic word, but they just don't sit right, do they? If they were now to start messaging you regularly, or tell you that their password is 'shoelaces' or that they're headed to meet so-and-so at 10 o'clock, how's that going to feel?

Let's call me a gambler and allow me to make another bet that everything is going to feel like a grudging concession they're making out of their (limited) goodwill and patience. You're not going to read 'I've a meeting out of town this weekend, so I probably won't reply' in the same way in this scenario as you would have in the prior case. Even if the words are exactly the same, everything is overshadowed by the tone they set to this 'reconciliation'. In the first case, you'll think 'aww, that's so nice of them to give me a heads up'; in the second, it'll rub off as 'so they're indirectly telling me not to bother them…fine. Got the message.'

And if they then forget to do thing Z after the weekend, it's going to feel like their underlying insincerity has just come through, isn't it?

That's the kicker: even if they are being 100% sincere, it isn't going to feel that way, and the only thing you'll trust is that they're waiting for the day they don't 'have to' do this anymore.

It's similar with when there is absolutely no apology at all, in my opinion…or, in some ways it might even be better than a backhanded-one. If they never actually acknowledge the things that went wrong and suddenly start trying to 'fix' things, it's confusing - you just find yourself wondering what they want, what their ulterior motive is - in the best case scenario. Worst case, if they pretend like nothing happened at all, this behavior can easily turn into fertile ground for resentment. 'So, none of what I felt is valid? Do I really want to foster a relationship with someone who's either too blind to see how their actions affected me, or is too proud to just say sorry?'

It's simple, yo.

A heartfelt 'sorry' is telling someone that you're laying down the stones to rebuild that bridge, while an insincere apology (or a non-existent one) is taking a hammer to those stones before getting to work. It isn't that nothing remains (so yes, I lied a little in the title), but dust is much harder to work with than concrete blocks are.