On Communication and Mental Health
First of all, thanks for taking out the time to read this! It always has, and always will, mean a lot to me - and I promise I'm not just saying this out of courtesy. I do really mean it. You should know that I don't take your time for granted and I'm very appreciative of you reading this, so, thank you.
Now, because I assume you're interested in what I've got to offer about this topic, I'm going to get straight to it…by which I mean 'provide some context'. I'll start off by telling you about this time I was going through a bit of a rough patch. The specifics don't matter, but know that it wasn't 'just' an overreaction to some stressor in life. It wasn't that A had happened and I was now worried about its implications, or that I wanted to do B and failed at it - it wasn't anything 'obvious' or 'direct', basically, and neither did this event happen at a time when I was otherwise under stress that you'd think that I was at tipping point anyway. It was just out of the blue - and do give me the benefit of doubt here and assume that it wasn't that I was just hungry or tired.
I'm not going to outright call it a 'depressive episode' because I don't know that it was one, but I did find myself reading articles about what it's like to have depression (granted, on TC, but…you know) and thinking 'okay, I relate to this'.
Again, specifics don't matter; what does is for you to understand one of the perspectives that is informing this.
'One of the perspectives', of course, means there's more coming - and this second one has actually arisen quite independently of the first. It's when I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers, way back when, that I was introduced to this idea of 'Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood' (which by the way is habit 5). I had never thought about communication in general, but over the years I have come to realize why that tidbit is actually an underrated nugget. It tends to happen a lot, that someone tries to say something, and we, because we want to communicate that 'we get it', end up hijacking the conversation and going off on tangents. Which, in most settings, isn't actually that big a deal…but, yup, you've guessed where I'm going with this, right?
'When someone is in a dark, dark headspace' does not belong to the 'in most settings' bracket.
It isn't easy to communicate when that's your mindset, and while some of it is to do with how it can just be tricky for the person talking because it's just so confusing, some of it is also related to the listeners.
That's what I'm looking to explore here.
Being the nerdy science-y creature that I am, I'm going to start by classifying these conversations in terms of the general and common routes they follow.
Because this is what showed up when I looked for a relevant joke
1. The (Unwantedly) Helpful Way
I won't even spend too long trying to describe this one - it is, unfortunately, too well known. 'Oh, you know what you should do? Just don't think about it. Go out for a walk. Exercise. Pray. Eat something yummy…', yes, because I would never have thought of that, nor could I possibly have Googled for ideas. I'm just being difficult and it's not that big a deal, so there's such simple solutions…and I'm trying to talk to you, a non-professional, because deep inside I believe you possess mystical knowledge unknown to anyone else.
​2. The Polite Dismissal
'Aw, man, I'm so sorry you're not feeling well…and this is awkward and I don't know what to say so instead I will try to distract you by talking about something else'.
OR
'Aw man, I'm sorry…but it'll pass and you'll be fine.'
With the first, they mean well - and yeah, it can get awkward or uncomfortable, but that's okay! It's okay to say so, and leave it there. Even if it sounds weird in that moment, in the long run it's going to be much better to have not gone trampling in the dark. It's the same principle as when you're lost and you're told to stay where you are - you might do more 'damage' if you try to move through uncharted territory.
More on this will follow, but in general, things just go downhill if you try to change the topic right away or without giving them some sort of heads-up. In this case, you could have meant the best and a bonus $10,000,000 for me, but your intentions cease to matter. Changing the subject is equivalent of saying 'I don't want to hear about that', and you can be sure that the other person will complete the sentence with any variation of 'because I don't care about you and you're just annoying.'
Though, that's still not as bad as 'you'll be fine'.
One, I imagine this is about the worst thing you can tell someone who's suicidal. Two, even if they aren't thinking of suicide, you're not really saying anything useful:
If they know it will pass, you're not giving them news. You'd just be making them feel like an idiot for voicing their thoughts - you would, in essence, be telling them that what they're saying is unimportant because it will cease to be valid at some point.
And if they don't think they'll be okay, I'm sorry, your 'you'll be fine' does absolutely nothing to convince them. Take a horse to the water but can't force it to drink kind of thing - except here, you'd be beating the not-thirsty horse to get it to a destination it doesn't appreciate - and you'll just damage your relationship with the horse. (Yes, it sounds like people are horses here - funnily enough, I'm aware that they're not).
3. The Competition
'Aw, man, I'm sorry…that happened to me a couple of times…and you know how you've said you haven't slept well for a week? I know how bad that can be…I didn't sleep for a whole month…'
There's a fine line between expressing to someone that you understand their feelings, and unintentionally turning it into a competition. Empathy doesn't mean low-key drawing up lists and checking them off against one another - in fact, for me, doing that convinces me that you really don't get it. When you push it, and get stuck on trying to heavily drive home the point that you think you know how they feel, you run the risk of convincing them that you absolutely do not. Because if you did, you'd just listen.
This is the type of 'communication' it turns into
Part of the value of 'talking it out' is getting to feel like you've expressed yourself, and it's really hard to do that when someone else decides that they can spare you the effort by telling you that they already know. More than that, it just puts you in the boat of 'people I shouldn't try to talk to' - so, by the way, if you don't want someone to be burdening you with their stories, these are all the ways you can get that message across.
So, where does all of this lead to?
There's two things here - one, I've got a lot more thoughts on The Competition - but that'll be a whole separate article. (Spoiler alert! It's going to explore my take on the notion of the romanticization of adversity).
Two - I've done a little research for you on what kinds of things to say and not to say, and although these lists are by no means exhaustive, I like to definitely think there are things in there that could make us all better conversationalists.
Probing (for when the conversation stalls but you can tell they aren't done)
'Take your time with this, there's no rush.'
'How are you feeling about ABC? How is that affecting you?'
'Where's your mind at regarding XYZ?'
Offering Support
'Can I just check that I have understood you right?' - because, don't assume.
'You're not alone. I'm here for you.'
'I want to help, but I don't know what to do. Tell me how I can help.'
'It's alright if you can't think of anything right now. You can tell me at any time, whatever it is, and I'll be there.'
What NOT to say (because I alluded to some things but there's more, of course)
'It could get worse'
'At least you've got a roof over your head and warm clothes to wear…'
'Life isn't fair'
'Try not to be depressed.'
'Have you tried … '
So, the thing is, these lists can be a lot longer, but I think you get the gist - which is what I'm trying to communicate, as opposed to giving you a list to cram and regurgitate (or, if you're a medical student, another list to cram and regurgitate). Some of these things sound pretty generic and artificial in conversation, anyway, but don't forget the basic idea, please?
Which is, when someone wants advice, they'll ask for it. When they just want to talk, the goal is to listen and respond in a way that doesn't suggest that
They're choosing to feel that way. ('Think positively, look on the bright side' suggests that they're just trying to be negative. It can be helpful to bring up nice positive things, but also give them a bit of a benefit of doubt, yeah?)
It's not a big deal and they'll just 'get over it'. That's not for you to decide.
It can be fixed easily by doing this and that. Again, it suggests that you don't think it's a big deal (and that they're incapable of using Google…)
Just because they're able to appreciate good things, it means they're 'cured' and that nothing's really wrong with them.
It's really that simple. Be considerate and don't think they're coming to you for solutions, unless they explicitly state so, and even then, I'm sure they're not going to expect you to 'fix' them. So don't take that pressure, yeah?
And another thing - don't be afraid to be 'normal' or show that you are fine! Man, I can't emphasize how important this is (even though it didn't come sooner…)
It's a very different situation from when you're inviting someone who got recently divorced to your wedding - in these cases, someone in a dark headspace isn't going to hate or envy you for your happiness. It'll actually bring them relief to think that they aren't poisoning your pond with their darkness. And if you're able to be upbeat (without telling them to just do the same too!), they'll be thankful to you for showing them that it isn't all doom and gloom in the world. It's not insensitivity (for you) to be honest.
Maybe I'm being too presumptive, but that's definitely a theme with me either way - 'I don't need to bring others down with my negativity' - so if you show me that I'm not messing up things for you, it'll actually be easier to talk to you.
And that's it.
I really need to work on a better way to conclude my articles, but till I figure it out, this will have to do.
Thanks again for reading!
As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts!