On Good Stuff, Timelines and Worth
So…I actually have no idea where this is going - which sounds stupid, because I do write and then type, which means that I do know where it ends, but I decided to post an unedited version of things - which means you're reading what initially came to mind. That's also why the title as as vague as it is. I'm being annoying. (Warning: that just means a lot of words to communicate what could have been done in a few). It's weird - because I didn't randomly decide to just talk at people. I had had a specific thought about what my 'bottom line' with this post would be, but the further my inner monologue ran, the more I wandered and lost the plot. Which is why…this is what you're reading.
I'd wanted to do something about how the value of things needn't be linked to their permanence. It's pretty obvious when I say it this way - it's one of these things we all just say, in part because we understand the underlying essence and truth of it, and in part because societal norms dictate that we agree. It's similar to 'quality over quantity' - although I'd rather prefer a million crinkled $1 notes to one crisp $10 bill, that's not what's being alluded to. BUT, this message - about permanence and value - is something I think we say without fully delving into the intricate implication that the statement encompasses. 'Fully' being a term I use loosely - just as is the case with the famous 'Know Thyself' (and viva exams…), it's possible to dig up any n number of rabbit holes from a single notion and getting lost, so it isn't actually possible to 'fully' consider anything. The word I'd wanted was 'deeply'. Huh. Now you know how writers don't always have the right words at the tips of their tongue. The point was, this is like making one change in life to turn it around. It isn't that simple. (Yes, that links to something I wrote a while ago). And the back story as to how I got to this notion was because burnout is real and I just felt like writing - anything - and one thing I've really wanted to capture is the immense gratitude and love I'm feeling towards my peeps, and the universe at large by extension, for what feels like one heck of a golden sunset: the last weeks of undergrad. Heh. I've said that as though it's a given - but if you've ever been, or are, a H31 (dear non UoN medic reading this, that's how all our registration numbers start), you know there's no guarantees. I'm trying to be optimistic and through the door fully (as opposed to being on the backfoot, if that metaphor even makes sense) but clearly I'm not remarkably succeeding. Assuming that these are the last few days though…it's been awesome.
The burnout and fatigue and anxiety do exist, but I can't pretend that I haven't been enjoying all these moments where we're just making jokes with friends, of heading up to wards and getting excited about finding 'good' patients, of being goofy undergrads who get some hilarious looks from consultants when we speak in not-English or write the wrong things (coughs in query), in the camaraderie of complaining about work or fretting about the things to read, in throwing and catching sarcasm…yo, this stuff is fun! Are you starting to question how this relates to my initial 'proposal' about value =/= permanence? Or how that even came up if I was just being nostalgic? Basically, I wanted to write about these good times. Then it got me thinking about the reason why they even exist - that is, the people whose presence and existence in my life are the only reason I get to make any of these memories, and from there, how I'd never have imagined any of it until it actually happened (Hi SW, I'm looking specifically at you :P. I adore the others, too, but you're the 'unexpected' one). That got me thinking about how it hadn't mattered that, for the past six years, we've known each other - but that it's only this year that we've properly become #fam. None of that has mattered, nor does it come up as a 'concern' (for lack of a better word) that this is all because of 'random' (methinks the Universe had something to do with it - of 250+ people, how do we kindred spirits who live in similar directions end up together otherwise?!) allocation. Who cares? It doesn't mean that the collaborative shade throwing about the Inguinal Ligament has been any less enjoyable, or that the one on ones about #thingzwedotoourselves (or, dare I say, why he has to be taller) are any less meaningful!
That in turn got me thinking about how society would kind of have us considering 'duration' as a criterion for 'value'. (Side note: you can probably use this as an example of 'tangentiality' and 'loosening of association' when asked in Psychiatry - you won't be wrong). It's romantic and idealistic to be all, '…and we've gone through this together since day one…' - and I'm not saying that it isn't special to have that - it just shouldn't come up as the first thing or main reason why something matters. As for the reason that this is the type of takeaway my mind goes to…I guess it's because of the note of finality that's always playing in the background when you're close to the finish line. The sense of permanence in whatever way, in every context, just permeates - there's a lot of 'always' and 'never's (and more importantly, 'never again's - and no, that ' is not an apostrophe that denotes belonging, it's just wrapping up the phrase. AKA it's [only on Mondays] and not [only on Monday's]). Not that that's particularly relevant. This is just something I'll be advocating a lot for, as a 'key' to just having a better time while we're here on this ride called Life. Something needn't be good or bad just because of its transience - and I needn't hold back or allow myself to enjoy anything any less just because the time stamp is fresh (or undefined, for that matter…but that's a different story now).
In a way it comes back to living in the moment and taking what is before you in its entirety - or the much you can, anyway. The trick to absorbing as much as you can is by freeing up the space that thoughts of the past and future would otherwise take up. But my tendons aren't going to appreciate that lecture right now, so…that's it! I'm not actually sure I've done anything other than open journal (though of course you're going to have seen this advertised as a 'proper' piece about permanence and value or some wise-sounding thing that I'm yet to decide upon), but any related thoughts and reflections are welcome! Till next time :)