On Living Life in Transit
Helllooo good people! How are you?
It has been SO long. Man.
I…am tempted to defend myself and offer excuses, but nobody really cares, and it's honestly all for me to sort and figure out, so instead we'll just skip to the part where I…no, not get to the point - I've yet to learn how to do that (if I ever do, though, will I still be me?) - but rather, start with my usual preamble about the circumstances surrounding the 'big idea' that I want to communicate today.
It's actually nothing new, if I'm brutally honest. If we've ever had a philosophical sort of conversation about life (which, by the way, ranks as one of my favorite kind, right alongside playful bickering, exchanging insults, being punny and the one where you school me about something I had no idea about), all of this will sound annoyingly familiar. Sorry if it's a repetition, actually - I've probably alluded to this but not in the exact same words (that, or I've got terrible memory and I'm wasting my energy)….and that's a lot of words saying the same thing, isn't it? And I haven't even covered the background context that you need to have with this!
Which, again, if you know me, you were also aware of: the part where I used to be, and more importantly, look, extremely overweight. (I make the distinction because I think the BMI still puts me somewhere in that range - but I don't actually know because I've refused to care as long as my clothes fit) .
Maybe you know it really well because I told you in so many words, or maybe you've intuitively figured it out, or maybe you've had no idea - but this was a major, major theme for me when growing up. Year in, year out, I'd…try a number of things to try and get the scale to budge, and I wasn't particularly successful, which…well, sucked.
I'm really understating it over here, by the way - but that's because this isn't that important.' The details aren't, anyway. The take home message is that I spent a lot of years hoping and wishing and praying that I'd get to a weight where I'd be 'pretty' - imagining that there on forth, it'd all be rainbows and sunshine and that that was when I'd be able to max out my potential. I kept living like that that was the point I needed to get to - the ultimate destination - before I could get on with the rest of my life.
Basically, I was living in transit.
Fast forward to a bazillion years later, I…cannot say that I completely regret living my life like that, because it wasn't a guarantee that some day I'd get to the place where people think my bag weighs somewhere between a quarter and a half of what I do anyway, but. Before we get there though, I need to elaborate. I think that part of the reason I did eventually succeed, at least somewhat, is because I kept trying. If I'd kicked back and assumed that I'd get there 'someday' even without consistently making an attempt, I probably wouldn't have - not that I know for sure, because life doesn't let you see all alternatives and final destinations - and so I don't regret that. The whole experience has also been instructive in other ways - but those are besides the point. Again.
What I'm getting to over here is that, for that time in life, I was constantly obsessed with getting to 'the next stage' - and in as much as I did have other things going on in life, and in as much as I do have other things to show from those years, this is the main one that stands out. I was there, present, living, but not entirely in the moment, because I was so desperate to get to 'the future.'
I don't want to do that ever again.
Cool story, Aditi. You've only sort of maybe gotten to the point though. Or was that it?
Erm…
The point is, I think a lot of us do that unconsciously even now…and I want to make a case for maybe not doing that. Not just because it sounds like the 'cool' or 'right' thing to do - that's just feeding egos and being pretentious. But rather, it's because I think life is more fun this way.
It manifests in so many different ways, by the way - this living in transit thing. 'When I graduate' is probably the most applicable one, because in as much as diversity ftw, the odds of you, the reader, being a medical student are pretty high.
It's not that I'm unaware of the need to become financially dependent, or the other implications of being a chronic student, but, guys. It'll come. Or if you're not a medic and this doesn't feel relatable, think of how you might be fixating on that point when you get married (I'm sorry for propagating stereotypes, I'm legit just trying to communicate my 'vibe' than be specific) / get promoted / clear exam ABC or, you know, get to weighing ABC kilos (I refuse to grant you 'pounds' as an alternative).
Granted, a lot of these things do require you to put in consistent effort to make sure that you get to that outcome - and so thinking about it and actively working towards it is important - but that's now taking me down a different tangent, away from my main message.
Which is, life is sunnier when you live in the moment.
Did you really need to go through all of that to make that cliché declaration?
'Need' is a strong word, but yes.
Think of it this way - if something were to go wrong tomorrow - not necessarily something that takes you, or me, to the grave, though that's an example - our 'life story' would basically be one of incompleteness and want…which is…not really the nicest thought (and more importantly, we can actually change that narrative!)
Does that even make sense?
Let me try to be concise (ha, haha). If I were to die tomorrow, I'd hate if all anyone could say about me was, 'she was two-thirds of her way to becoming a doctor.' As though the fact that I didn't get there means it's all been a loss, it's all been for nothing.
(two tangents that I'll spend some time walking down arise here:
It doesn't really matter what someone says once I'm gone, because, well, I'm gone. I do recognize that. So in as much as I said 'I'd hate if all anyone could say…' up there, I'm aware that it doesn't even matter that much.
That 'it's all been for nothing' is actually, technically, if you think about it, true. Or at the very least it's something I'd be happy to get into a long conversation with you about - though my view is one of, 'the world existed before me, the world will exist after, and there will come a day when whatever conscious entity that populates the Earth then will not know who I was, so it ultimately doesn't matter.')
Setting aside those tangents - which do otherwise negate everything I've said (and our existences in general?) - that's basically the message I wanted to put across.
I'm proposing that we to look at life on a day-to-day basis, where the here and now is the beginning and the end. I'm here, working towards goals that I'd like to accomplish, yes, but those are all just added bonuses - side quests, in a way - that even without completion do not take away anything from me.
Ya feel me?
Whatever it is, don't frame your life-story as a quest awaiting completion. There's so much more to you than that.
On a daily basis it probably doesn't change very much, if you consider the activities you partake in and things you do (well, to a certain extent anyway - because I did still go to school and make a few friends etc etc) - but psychologically, for me at least, taking on this perspective has brought about a 180 degree shift.
(the first time I wrote this, the next paragraph is what followed - but now it also seems like the right time to mention that I think this might have contributed to my 'even if it sucks, at least I'll have some inspiration for new poetry' attitude towards whatever happens in life)
When I look back to all my teenage years, in as much as I do remember the good times I had, there's this overlay of sadness that colors it all. Of everything I remember, I'm so aware of that pain and sadness I carried every day, of how much 'weight loss' was everything about my life - and yes, it doesn't matter now (I'm over it in that sense) - and it feels so pointless. Of all the things I could have taken away, of all the memories I could hold on to, it's kind of a shame that my main one is of how I was always just 'waiting' to get to 'being pretty.'
What's done is done though. The only thing now is to not do a round 2 - where another ten years from now (there's a large underlying assumption in here that we'll just have to go with for the sake of this article) I look back at med school and think, 'wow, I mostly just spent eight years (again with the assumptions!) waiting to graduate, that's sad.'
And that's kind of it.
As always, thank you so much for reading!
I'd love to hear your two cents on what I've said here, so, you know…please and thanks?
Till next time!