Side Effects of Medical School

I need to start with this: if, based on the title, you're expecting that this list will include 'people try to get us to treat them', I've taken a bit of offense. That's too predictable, yo. Nor is 'We've now got a handy excuse - 'I'm studying' - whenever we don’t want to do something, because that sounds perfectly legitimate at any time' going to come up at any point - and that's all I've got by way of 'introduction'. Let's actually go to things that are there:

We become more observant than we were. It's subtle, but we realize that we do actually subconsciously check out what people's eyes look like (in particular, if they look jaundiced) and find ourselves studying people's gaits and making analyses like 'their right lower limb is slightly externally rotated.' (Sorry about it if the medical talk gets too much sometimes, my dear non-medic friend. It isn't intentional.)

And then we imagine the inner anatomy of their muscles. And it's not just in this situation, but also at times when someone says 'pull ups'. It's kind of impossible not to imagine someone's latissimus dorsi muscles contracting to pull their body up. And it's not imagining them in a realistic way, by the way, but as an isolated muscle highlighted in red (or yellow sometimes) at its origin and attachment because I'll be damned if someone picked up these things from dissection. (I didn’t…)

This is the sort of visualization that goes on in my head. Seriously

Speaking of Anatomy, it's also to thank my right/left confusion. I'm not saying 'our' here because I don't know if I'm alone in this, but ever since first year where we had to study textbooks where what's on my right is the 'body's' left, I've a tendency to cross my arms and indicate that what's in front of me, on my left, is the right of the person I'm facing. I don't know if I'm explaining it properly, but if anyone tells me 'to the right', I'll wonder whose right, and automatically reach my right arm out diagonally.

We cringe when fitness gurus, legitimate or not, make inaccurate statements, even when they're joking. ('I want you to bring your knee up to your chest, that's right, you've got to be flexible in your hip…that's why they're called hip flexors.' Umm no, I'm sorry, I refuse.).

On the flip side, we're particularly impressed when someone uses the right word. 'Adductors' instead of 'inner thighs' = brownie points for you! (Not sure what you'll do with them though…but keep 'em, you earned 'em!)

Our language use for basic things really changes. Not just with the adductors thing above, but things like getting waxing for 'the upper limb' done. If they say 'arms', we immediately clarify that we want to get forearms done too…

Speaking of 'basic things', some have actually become harder to imagine or understand. When we're told to, say, 'rest on your sits bones' we find ourselves lost as to what that really means. Ischial tuberosities? What? Why wouldn't you call them just that?

Oh, right.

I hadn’t realized how deeply this joke was rooted in truth

That chain of thoughts is long; here's another semi-related thing: when we follow along with guided meditations that tell us to imagine our breaths entering our bodies and the oxygen going all the way to our toes, we struggle, because the mental image of lungs -> diaphragm -> abdomen -> pelvis -> lower limbs is just wrong and weird because for that to actually happen I'd need a lot of ruptured organs and membranes. And also, you know, the whole mechanism of how gaseous exchange takes place at the alveolar/capillary interface of lungs…

A whole new world of metaphors that we can scientifically 'defend' now become accessible (insert nerd emoji). Bear with this lengthy example, please: basically, neurons (brain cells) and cardiac myocytes ('heart cells') are considered to be permanent tissues, which means that they cannot be regenerated from stem cells, unlike, say, skin (which is called a labile tissue). Cue: metaphor about how it doesn't matter whether you use your heart or brain, sometimes some affairs are just beyond repair. (insert three nerd emoji).

We don't buy into pseudoscientific gimmicks and stories that are clearly wrong. 'Don't drink soda XYZ, because a worker with HIV cut himself and put his blood into it!'. Bruhh, do you even know how HIV is transmitted?? Along that note, the facepalms we give ourselves when others buy into it have become precisely 2.37x harder. Uff. (If you didn’t read that in an ‘Indian’ voice, go back and read it in that tone now)

But not to that extent. Because, you know, that's too inaccurate…everyone knows you need a facepalm of x48493 greater intensity to get to that level

When we come across articles that try to explain a scientific phenomenon in a tabloid way ('This is what actually happens when you burn fat'), we see it and think, 'bruhh do you even biochem'.

Though along those lines - it's actually somewhat jarring to be hit with the realization that the things you took for granted aren't actually common knowledge. And it's actually kind of frustrating when you see misinformation being spread so widely like this. Another myth that annoys me to no end, by the way, is when it is suggested that someone can 'convert fat into muscle' using supplements…dude, no, that's not how it works. You work your muscles and they hypertrophy; and the idea is that your body needs fuel to work, so at one point they start using up fat stores. It isn't some direct magical conversion of adipose tissues to myocytes. Stop with the lies! Grr.

Large books have lost their intimidation factor. Lord of the Rings just don't seem like they're that lengthy after we've gone through Robbins and Guyton…

Sorry Mr. Tolkien, LOTR just can't stack up against this

Speaking of books, we turn into little children when a page (or even better, a double spread) is full of pictures. 'Okay, so this chapter has 17 pages, but 3 are pictures so that's not bad…and the last page is references, so yay, 13 pages!

We know what potato chips look like under a light microscope, if only because we put them there to freak friends out over not being able to identify what they're looking at.

We become a little condescending as we explain things to people - but we promise, it's more because we've learned not to assume. It just tends to happen after hearing 'I stopped taking my medicine for hypertension because my pressures became normal' too often - you don't just assume that they know it's the medicine keeping it normal.

We know not to jump to conclusions because we know better than most about how something could be anything. Someone's skin is all flushed? Sure, they could just be excited or embarrassed, but it could also be menopause. Or alcohol, or drugs, or adrenal disease or, yes, cancer. (So credit to Web MD for getting that message out too clearly: cancer is always a differential. But, like, please don’t freak out. It usually isn’t the diagnosis)

We find it hard to have simple conversations for the very same reason. It's become ingrained to ask 50,000 questions, so if you tell us that you have a headache, prepare to answer questions about where exactly you feel it, what the pain is like (stabbing, throbbing, burning?), whether the pain is increasing, what you were doing when it started, if you've got any other sensory deficits and…well, you get it, right? If you don't…tell me you have a headache. I dare you. (I wouldn't recommend pretending that you've got one just to humor me or yourself though; by the time I'm done hounding you, chances are, you'll legitimately have one…you have been duly warned)

This never happened to me though. Mainly because Mum wouldn’t come to teacher-parent meetings. Because the teacher once told her that she didn't need to. And, you know, I fit into the stereotype of being a teacher’s pet.

And that's all I have for now!

I still haven't mastered the art of giving these things a smooth conclusion, so, you know, let's call it a day here and if you can think of any to add, do hit me up - I'd love to hear it!