On Hair Fall During Teenage
For once, I'm going to get into this without preamble.
Right from the start (read: early formative teen years), I've never been a potential nominee for 'prettiest girl' - or anything remotely related. This isn't a fact I'm bitter or traumatized about, don't worry - so this is not cue for you to start telling me that I should be confident or that looks don't matter or anything.
Something I did have going on for me, though, was my hair. I'm lucky to have the 'hella straight and soft' variety and this was the one thing I used to receive compliments on, which, at the time, meant a lot to me. It was the one thing about herself that teenage Aditi could feel good about, and, you know, that makes it a bigger deal than it would have been otherwise.
I'm at fault for attaching value to this - I didn't know better - and the thing is, I think that's just a normal thing that many other people do too.
I mean, aren't we told to say nice things to other people because it would brighten their day? That suggests that we have the power to make them think and feel a certain way.
So in my case, I had pretty hair. And that was nice because I had nothing else going on for me. And I held onto that as something of a 'redeeming factor'.
Which, as you may have gathered, was a terrible idea. Long story summarized, health issues and plain bad luck saw me begin to experience some pretty harrowing hair loss beginning at the age of 17/18.
I know I'm a writer so it's underwhelming that I'd use such simple adjectives, but basically, it was bad.
If you know what this feels like, you won't question me on how bad it really was and whether or not I was overreacting.
If you don't know what that's like...take my word for it. It isn't even the objective count of number of hair shed (which was a lot, by the way - it was definitely noticeable and I did also get lots of comments on that, too - but more on this later) - but the experience in its entirety.
You've heard this Maya Angelou quote?
Same principle applies.
It's about everything you feel when going through this that coalesces into a diffuse feeling of 'this is so traumatizing', even if you can't pinpoint on specific things.
That said, there are a few specific things about that experience that absolutely sucked that I can offer anyway:
Running your hands through your hair and coming out with a handful of strands that you essentially pulled out. Consistently.
Knowing that if you ran your hands through your hair repeatedly, you'd keep getting the same amount out. That it wouldn't stop or even slow down.
Delaying washing your hair for as long as possible because washing = more outward shedding
Shedding all over your sweaters and constantly trying to clean them up (but not wanting to, because gosh the reminders are painful)
Not combing your hair because you don't need to clean your comb too.
Being told that putting oil will help but being afraid to touch your scalp
Frequent haircuts because short thin hair is less painful to look at in the mirror than a long wisp
That sinking feeling when you've been leaning over a desk and then find hair on the table after you sit back up
Getting to page 5 and 6 of Google search results for success stories (that aren't transplant ads) because you want a bit of hope.
The despair when you read about how people never go back to the 'original' level because hair only regenerates when the follicles aren't damaged - but you know yours is coming off with the root
Feeling your heart crumble a little more when you read about other women who have the same health issues as you, who explain that they use wigs and extensions
Understanding how much easier it is said than done to 'not stress'
Truly knowing the irony of how stress causes more hair fall
Making jokes about it when it's killing you on the inside, because humor keeps the tears at bay - you can't risk being honest because you'll know you'll just fall apart again and you're tired of doing that, too.
Having people comment on how thin your hair has become and asking what happened
Looking for hair extensions that you might use in the near future
Telling yourself that it's just perspective, that if it were chemo-related it wouldn't be 'so bad' and since you're lucky to not be battling a life-threatening illness you should feel okay
Hating on yourself for being so superficial and for not being grateful for how it wasn't worse
Looking for articles that reassure you that you are more than your looks etc because you're resigned to what's happening and now you just want to feel okay about it.
Thinking about how grandparents and old people in general don't have as many hair and they still look OK. And then calculating how you would probably still look ok even if you lost another 50%.
Huh
This list could actually go on for much longer - guess it's still more raw and fresh than I'd realized - but don't worry, I just wanted you to understand that it can be extremely unpleasant.
And in the same way that trust once broken is hard to repair, so it has been for me and my hair - I've come to see it as a very fickle 'companion', and I'm no longer willing to give much weight to something I know I can so easily lose.
That's kind of where this was going, but for the sake of completeness, I want to tell you how this story proceeded to unfold. Note, I don't say 'ended' because I think this is something that's going to stay with me lifelong…and anyway, not important.
What I've described above was kind of the story of my life for a good 4ish years, on a personal front, that is - while other things in life kept going on. The same 'events' happening over and over again - though my mental psyche did follow a unidirectional trajectory. As time went by, I started to resign myself to the 'worst case scenario', which is that I'd probably start using extensions, or something- while trying to embrace my new look and hopefully gaining the confidence to stop using fake hair, too.
This is also part of the reason, I think, I don't know how to be all, 'I think this looks good' or 'you look better when you do ABC'. It's just too deeply ingrained to avoid such conversation.
I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't compliment anyone though.
If you think my hair looks nice on a certain day and you tell me that, I'm not going to take offense. It'll make me smile and I'll thank you for it - so this wasn't the bottom line of this article.
Really.
The main point was actually to bring to light how differently someone can view even the simplest of things. And to maybe make a suggestion that we can try complimenting people on things that are in their control, so that if they do use what you say as a basis for self-esteem, it's not something that can be taken away from them.
And, well, that's pretty much it.
That was the story for this day.
As always, thank you so much for reading this! I'd love to know what you made of it! :)