The Most Important Article I May Ever Write
I read a book some time ago, and it might seriously be the most important book I have read to date (of course; or it wouldn't be mentioned right off the bat in this highly hyped-up article…). Or, at least, it ranks in my top three, along with The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k…and yes, I realize I haven't named this very important book that I'm building up so much hype to, but that's just because the sentence structure of this paragraph doesn't allow me to bring it in any sooner. Also, you know, drama.
*Drumroll, please*
The book is called Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind.
The title is pretty straightforward and representative of what the book is about - and yeah, it was pretty fascinating to get this overview of how we've evolved as a species, but that's not why I keep recommending this book to people. That reason is actually much smaller, and it all ties in with this particular notion the book introduced on how everything - or a lot of things, anyway - is dependent on perspective. I use the word 'introduced' loosely - I think we've all gotten that memo at some point in our lives; but certainly, the way in which it was done in this book was particularly outstanding. I'm going to try and bring across this message in a more succinct way, though I'd recommend reading the book.
Basically, the book 'zooms out' and encourages us to look at ourselves - Homo sapiens - as animals living on Earth just as a tribe of lions exists in Maasai Mara. It then goes on to explore what it is that's made us unique and such good colonizers - and this is the brilliantest part of the book, in my opinion. What we have, the book suggests (and I cannot dispute this!), is this system of shared myths to helps us function. Unlike lions and giraffes and even other human species (there was a time there were other Homo-something species, we killed them off), we have the ability to collectively believe in something - and these somethings include 'government' and 'society' and 'religion'. This, in turn, facilitates co-operating (since we're all on the same page) - and the authors hypothesize that this is what enabled us to eliminate competition ad survive in an environment otherwise dominated by superior predators.
Do you see where this is going?
You've actually probably had this thought before, or come across it, actually - I realize I have, with Lord Krishna talking about how a lot of the universe is illusory ('maya')…but of course, his teachings don't have the more-relevant-to-daily-life examples of 'government'. That's just one example though. Another easy way to understand the concept of 'things are valuable only because of the value we assign to them' is to think of money. Pieces of paper are only valuable because we've agreed on their worth, and agreed that we can pass them around to each other in exchange for goods and services. They are a symbol of trust, basically - I trust that I will get, say, a haircut, for $10 - and the person I give that note to trusts that they'll be able to get ten $1 items with that note. You get it, right?
Or look at it this way - a lot of these things are not absolute. Therefore, in as much as there are rules and common understandings and expectations, there is no 'must be this way'. So, for instance, someone you call a friend does not really have to always respond to your texts - as opposed to how, if you put your hand in fire, the skin will get charred.
Just think about this for a minute. Or five. Or not at all (I know I wouldn't because what is patience right)
Nowhere has it been mandated that there have to be governments and countries and currencies in this world - these are just shared myths we have all been inculcated into, because their existence allows us to gain some sort of order in our functioning. These are all antidotes to anarchy, in a sense. It's not that mankind will be struck down with lightning if it abandons these constructs, you know? I mean, sure, it would make it difficult to make 'progress' in such a setting - but I'm just trying to drive home the point of how these things are products of our consciousness rather than something concrete.
It's pretty interesting to think about, right?
Also, now do you see where I'm headed to?
No, I'm not anti-establishment (I just keep using these as examples because I think they're good) - I want us to step down the scale a bit, and apply this concept of 'nothing is absolute' to the things that surround our daily lives - social norms and relationships.
But wait. First I need to bring in another element - an explanation, if you will, as to why I think this paradigm is so darn brilliant. Independently of all these things, I've often found myself thinking about how the Buddha was really onto something with his 'attachment is the root of all suffering' teachings. And while that's easy enough to understand on its own, I feel like this perspective/shared myths paradigm marries in beautifully and overall incorporating these two schools of thought is the ultimate way to bliss.
Okay, gosh. I realize how that sounds, but I promise I'm not trippin' on anything (there comes a point when you become immune to its effects – it’s called tolerance), nor am I just being dramatic - I honestly think that this is the fix to getting to this state of living a better life.
Of course, it could just be that I'm so taken with this because it has
worked perfectly with the biggest challenges I was facing…and I'll just stop trying to insist that this is important now. I'm sure that the memo comes through that I'm a big fan - now you decide.
See, a problem I have is that I tend to think too much sometimes. (*I hear you cough and I really think you should get it checked out; it's probably TB*). I get too occupied with placing meaning on events/phenomena and making inferences, and even though I've been consciously aware that I'm overdoing 'it', it hasn't been easy to switch off.
I'm the type - or rather, I was the type, to get too emotionally involved too easily, and there have been more incidents than I can count (and I'm very good at counting! One, Two, Three, Seven, Eleventy, Hundred, Fifty-seven thousand, Bazillion…) where I've had to tell myself to chill out, stop stressing, stop expecting things and to just…be. There's only so many walks you can take though, or so much music you can listen to (well, unless it's Backstreet Boys…) to 'get out of your head', and anyway, I think they're all just unhealthy coping mechanisms rather than actual fixes. They're ways to run away from the problem instead of actually fixing the issue.
Furthermore, some thoughts aren't products of one-time events - it can't be a solution to just forget about it. These thoughts = expectations, of course. (Cue: Aha! I always knew she was a control freak! Sadly, this doesn’t earn you any brownie points because you could have just asked me directly and I’d have told you about how I am rather beholden to the idea of having things under wraps). I guess this is a good time to bring this in - to anyone reading this who's ever been subject to my unreasonable demands, I'm sorry. It hasn't been deliberate - even I can recognize that there are times I've put on too much pressure and been too demanding - I'm sorry for not knowing how to take my foot off the accelerator.
The fact that I'm confident enough to put this in past tense should
indicate how influential this idea I'm selling today has been to me. Thinking about how nothing is absolute, that nothing has to be a certain way, has been so liberating! Realizing that there is no absolute definition of what, say, a 'friend' has to be automatically means that I'm not longer held by expectations of what someone 'should' or 'shouldn't' do - there is no such thing! Again, I'll repeat my acknowledgement that there are certain behaviors we've been socialized to anticipate - and in general it wouldn't be possible to function if you were always telling yourself that nothing is predictable, but obviously this thinking comes into its element when you're 'stuck'.
Let's try with another example though. It's this popular idea that for people to be happy, they 'should' be thoroughly passionate about their jobs, or else otherwise their existence is meaningless. People who don't feel that way about their jobs are, therefore, left feeling like they're doing something wrong, and this gets them feeling like a failure etc. I'm not going down that lane too far because it's intuitive, and also not pertinent to my point.
My point is, this is more of an issue because we've decided on what something 'should' be - everything else follows as a direct consequence of that one thought. What if we were to recognize, however, that 'to be happy you must be passionate about your job' is just one school of thought? What if we decided that 'you can be happy even if you aren't keen on going to the office' is another valid school of thought?
I think this isn't the best example, still, but the underlying message is still coming through, isn't it?
And do you see, so many ideas and notions that we've decided are 'absolute' really don't have to be! It's this awareness of how there can be different 'realities', that's been a real gamechanger. In my opinion, it's a master key that allows us to build whatever door we choose, and know that it will be accessible.
If someone decides that something as simple as scribbling in a notepad can make them as ecstatic as winning a lottery might make someone else, then that is completely valid! Neither you nor I can convince that person that they cannot be happy, you know? Now that I think about it, I think that this is also the foundation underlying the 'you choose your happiness' premise…and it is also not where I had intended to go with this article initially, so in as much as this understanding of 'I can be as happy as I want' has contributed to my 'road to bliss' conclusion, let's go back to my initial chain of thoughts.
'Perception is the critical factor' has basically been an effective solution to my overthinking. It's like a wall against which this dislodged out-of-control wheel slams against and just stops. When you realize that whatever it is, only seems that way but isn't absolute…boom. All arguments just evaporate when you realize there is no basis whatsoever to anything other than 'we decided to believe that things should be this way'. It just appeals to my logical side and helps her let go.
You might think that I'm losing my mind here, but seriously. And it
helps simplify life even further because it isn't hard to answer the question 'is this what it is, or have I just been conditioned to believe that it's meant to be like this?'
(Spoiler alert: most things aren't absolute).
That means I don't need to stress about it.
Which means I can truly believe that 'it isn't that serious'.
This translates to me actually honestly being able to 'just be'.
So that's all for the aspect of what this idea has done for me - but clearly, I'm not done. There's another lot of related ideas and themes surrounding it that I want to flesh out- if I were to bring them up at 'relevant' points earlier, I'd be going off on a lot of tangents and running the risk of having my bottom-line message getting lost, and so here it all comes in a messy jumble:
1. This thought of 'it doesn't have to be this way' basically eliminates the value or meaning of labels. But labels are important - they give a lot of information through one word - so, for instance, 'friend' means, among many things, 'someone who will pick me up when I am sad' (by the way, I'm just using 'easy' examples - don't read too much into how I pick on friends and the government, yeah?) - but then sometimes our friends let us down by not talking to us, and that leads to disappointment. It's the expectation that they'd talk to us that has led to more disappointment than us not being able to verbalize our sadness, if you think about it - and that's why I believe the Buddha talks about releasing expectations to feel peace. It makes sense.
I do realize that this frame can be taken too far though - and that's something I'll address. I'm not saying labels are a problem - I just think it's important to remember that nothing was an 'absolute' when you're feeling hurt and stuck. Otherwise, the labels are important - it's how we communicate. A marriage would be so dysfunctional if you could not assume / expect that your spouse will not clear out the bank accounts and run off. What would 'marriage' mean, otherwise? You get?
It's just that labels sometimes mislead us into thinking that their connotations are undefiable laws.
2. This was also highlighted in the book - how, with shared myths, one cannot just break away from them. For an imagined system to collapse, everyone - or a significant majority, anyway, has to stop believing. Therefore, if I decide that 'government' is a myth, it's going to mean absolutely nothing. Life will go on as it is and if I do want to access services like flights, I'm going to have to provide and use the passport of this…entity that I claim not to believe in. Doesn't sound right, does it?
So that's another aspect to consider - and it does tie in with the whole 'labels are needed for functioning' thing from earlier, too, I think.
I'm not making much of a point here, by the way. I just wanted to bring it up. Though, if we dwell on this, it can be used to shed light on why it's hard to bring change. It isn't enough for just one person to change - and it's depressing in that way to think that you alone cannot save the world (or whatever), but it also does make sense, doesn't it?
That's another reason why I love this Big Idea, by the way! It ties in with everything.
3. Related to the note of 'it doesn't have to be like this' - that doesn't mean that this should be used as an excuse to be a jerk to everyone. Sure, you don't have to be polite or courteous or honest or considerate, but do it anyway, please? And not just because it's important if you want to 'fit in' with society…just be a decent person anyway?
My Big Idea is to be applied positively to situations where we might stress about things that catch us because we're bound by our own expectations and disappointments.
Of course, that applies to everything I write - the whole 'take it in a positive way' thing, I mean…but anyway.
I'm actually done here now.
Sort of.
I realize it's been a very lengthy article, but hopefully it's been easy
enough to follow along with. I'm not going to assume though - so just in case, here's a little TL;DR (too long; didn't read) / consolidate-everything-she-said summary:
Most things in our daily life aren't absolute truths - they're actually shared beliefs we have as humans.
Remembering that makes it easy to heal when things turn out in a way different from how we'd thought they would: it's easy to digest when you remember that nothing had to be that way. And life still goes on.
That doesn't mean to say that labels have no value at all - they're our way of communicating what the general expectation is.
I know, that's incredibly condensed - but I've said enough, I feel.
And this is my abrupt ending to this article.
As always, thank you for reading!
I'd especially love to hear what you think about the ideas in here! You think I might be onto something here? Or have I utterly deluded myself to inner peace?