Right Back At You...7 Years Down the Road

So. Ideally I'd write this out properly, edit it as well, but it was just yesterday that I realized I have the opportunity to capitalize on something absolutely poetic: I did my last exam today (*itches to keep the word 'hopefully' out of this sentence but fails miserably), while my first day at UoN was September 15, 2014.

You see where this is going, right? (bonus points for you if you can do the math with the number of years it's been and why that makes me extra happy).

The 'Right Back At You' part of this title makes a lot more sense if you're familiar with my piece 'Only You' (read: here's a shameless plug for something else that she's written, and yes that's a clickable link), but if not…upcoming is a list of reflections, if you will, gathered by just thinking back to every year that's gone by. More of an open journal entry than a 'commercial' post - which, by the way, is why there's zero memes in here. You have been warned.

Also, there is probably going to be some repetition of themes, but...I have a self imposed deadline, plus, if I cared enough you'd be seeing this on some other platform and not the blog on which I'm allowed to do whatever I please.

So without much ado, let's go!

Your story / version / experience doesn't have to play out like anyone else's. You don't have to feel the same way someone else does, you don't have to have the same experience they do - and guess what, there's no 'right' or 'wrong', so don't you worry about 'different' and trying to decide what side of the fence you're in. It's all valid. So don't worry if your opinion on something differs. You're allowed to use your own head, your own experiences, and form your own opinions. Period.

Don't live in transit. Recognize that life is in every moment you're getting, and don't take that for granted, and don't get trapped thinking that life is going to start 'after' - whether it's after hours or after you're done studying or after exams. You could do that if you want, but you'll be a lot happier once you start appreciating moments like random lunches with friends or dying from laughter in preposterous classes as things that are 'valid' and that 'count' and allow you to say that you're having fun. I genuinely cannot say that enough. I mean, there's an article about this already, but…it's all about the little things - it always was, and will be, so don't deny yourself these simple pleasures while holding out for something more 'dramatic' and movie-like. Otherwise, you're just going to feel like time is passing you by, like you're not 'doing' it right, and…just, don't do that to yourself, yeah?

It's never too late to turn things around. It might not feel that way because all you have to go by is looking backward, but give it time, and hindsight will show you that it was just your perspective that was narrow. There's no 'wrong' done here - at that point, you're 100% justified in seeing something a certain way, but know that nothing is absolute, and so that reality in that moment is not immutable. This is going to get redundant, but that's just how deep this runs.

Aditi. You're going to find yourself 3 years into med school feeling like an abject failure in every facet of life, and that, because it's been so long and you weren't able to change that situation, you're doomed to darkness.

That. Is. BS.

Chin up. The iron is always hot, so it's never too late to strike, and trust me, you'll be glad that you didn't let it be so that you'd end up being stuck for another four.

Things can, and do change.

In some ways, anyway. In others…it's weird. Within your own pool of people, you'll feel like you're all just the same - but if you take two steps backward, you will be jolted by how you're really not a first year student anymore. The point, here? Don't take yourself that seriously either. Some stuff just…happens. Let it. And also, realize that age and 'hierarchy' aren't directly proportionate to 'capability'. You can learn things as a 'junior'. Don't box yourself into thinking that you can't punch in other tiers. (another side note: pun absolutely intended).

Don't take yourself seriously, don't think you're limited…but also don't even think you're that unique or special. I say this with love - and it's one of those things you'll wish you'd realized sooner, because till that point, you'll keep thinking they're all infallible and have their shit together and that you…just have problems. Nah. It's egotistic to think you're that different - and that isolation will make you absolutely miserable. Again, not worth it.

Tying all that together, know that you are very limited, in so many ways. Just as things that someone couldn't control, happen to other people…the same applies to you. You're not a special victim, and on the flip side, just as others can have truly wonderful things happen to them, the same holds for you! Stuff you'd never have been able to imagine will happen to you, too. Keep your eyes open to see the beauty in it.

Along that note of everyone being human and whatnot, know that registrars and consultants and other authority figures are human first. You'll have a much easier time talking to them and just interacting with that setting in general, once you recognize where they are in life, what their priorities and focuses are, and seeing how you fit in. They're really not as scary as the grapevine would have you believe, and you'll have so much better a time once you see that! This actually bleeds into the next one, which is…

It's not just about #peopleinpower - this cuts across the board. People are generally nice. It's not just about academics and what you can 'learn' from them in that department, but on the whole, it's the interactions you have that make up the essence of life. Take every opportunity to non self-consciously talk to them, and life is going to be so much fun!

That's also, incidentally, one of the ways to learn how not to fear being 'alone'. Whether it's in wards or A&E or wherever else. Make it a point to go 'out' there, without the safe little gaggle of friends. Let yourself be uncomfortable for a bit. You'll be fine. You'll learn new stuff, learn how to talk to people, just see things that you wouldn't otherwise, and best of all, you will forget that fear of flying solo. Definitely another something you'll be happy to have achieved.

Side note, by the way. With this whole people and interaction thing…it's not that any of it is 'guaranteed' to 'go somewhere'. Nothing lasts forever, nothing is absolute anyway, so don't fret about people and connections and bonds that last or don't. People aren't trophies to be collected or 'had', anyway. Just enjoy whatever is before you as much as you can, without worrying about the 'future'. The Buddhists really are onto something with their whole 'live in the moment' mojo!

This is getting repetitive in terms of #vibes, but…don't try and spin a narrative out of your life. Let whatever is happening, just happen - and do your best to engage in that moment and make the most of it, without trying to figure out where it 'fits' into this story you'll tell about yourself and your life. Get out of your own head. It's not that big of a deal - you're the only one who's that invested in this story, anyway - nobody else cares much. Missing the experience is going to suck a lot more than not having a narrative.

Another thing about others, by the way - you'll actually be amazed by how differently they see you from the outside looking in. This doesn't mean that you're an imposter, don't worry. It's more of…be aware of how subjective 'reality' is, and that other people sometimes think better of you than you do of you, which is something to be grateful for! Allow yourself to be loved, actually. Don't dismiss it. Sometimes you need to trust that the villain is you, and that it's 'wiser' to let their affection and regard be 'good enough reason' to give yourself permission to love you.

Anki. 'Nuff said. Well, you'll catch on soon enough and forever be grateful that it's only first year that you didn't have the sense to use it, but…I can't be telling you about med school and life and not have this come up. No, this wasn't sponsored by Anki. Nor did they pay me to write this. Also, mnemonics are your friends.

And on a similar note, take the time to know yourself, what works for you and what doesn't, and follow through. If you're the type that can do a little reading daily but won't absorb anything the night before, make it a point to do that daily reading, then guiltlessly sleep. Your way of studying, your way of doing things doesn't have to align with what others do, and that's fine! (AKA study groups are hella awesome but they don't have to be your primary model).

On the semi-related academic note, also know that not having been taught something is not an excuse. The world doesn't care, and honestly, you're going to have to put in a lot more effort after someone has done the best they could, anyway. Just do it. It's not about earning a trophy of 'I did this myself', it's just for your own benefit. You'll be happier for knowing things and being that much more capable - it's not about the how at that point.

Do things that make you happy, without regard for what it may look like to anyone else. Do it for its own sake, and then, just as an added selling point (which, I insist, is just icing on a cake that's already excellent), know that you'll form some of the most fulfilling bonds and connections when you're your best self. That latter part - wanting to be your best self - is what you 'should' pursue…and in the times that it feels scary and uncertain, use these other things as reassurances that you're doing the 'right' thing.

For real. Be you. Unapologetically so, and don't worry about fitting in, either. On that note, say what's on your mind. Don't be a jerk - we're not saying that tact is overrated or that filters belong only in cars, but in contexts when it's an important relationship, a specific matter that has you wondering whether to speak up or forever hold your silence....just say it. 'What if?' is a much more painful question to try answer, and most of the times you'll find that you're glad you spoke up. Be clear, by the way. If you're biting a bullet you might as well properly chew it - speaking in riddles and euphemisms that leave you wondering if the other person understood exactly what you're saying is pointless. Same goes for talking about your insecurities by the way. Don't lie to yourself, don't try to make yourself sound less pathetic than you feel...just wear your heart on your sleeve. I reiterate it: the right 'uns will love you anyway.

Aand we're done.

You probably didn't realize it, mostly because Wix gave me a hard time with copy-pasting a list with numbers, but that's 17. It's obviously not a coincidence, although, it's only when I was at about #14 or so that I decided I'd force this to get to my third favorite number. So yes, that's exactly why some things that could technically have been two separate points have been fused into one.

If you're looking for some sort of apology for that…maybe look elsewhere. I will apologize for the random double spacing you might see between words though. I tried to fix them all, but I don't doubt I've missed a number. Sorry about that.

Before you go though, I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me what you think of this, or, even better, add on your insights too for a maybe follow up part 2!

And, as always, thank you for reading!